Lil' Kim's Prison Blog!

This caged bird must blog! LOL!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Satire!

Jeez!

It sure looks like a lot of you think I'm actually Lil' Kim! Nothing could be further from the truth! I'm really just an unnatractive graphic designer in Chicago. I thought it would be fun (and very transparent) to combine the following elements into a comical blog:

• Celebrity of decent renown, with an aggresive public image
• Juvenile blogisms and internet-speak
• lackluster layout and design

The number of people who think I'm Lil' Kim has taken the fun out of the project for me. It's not fun making people think they're actually communicating with someone they respect or admire. It's actually rather lame.

So, once and for all, this is NOT Lil' Kim, and I'm NOT in prison, and I probably WON'T be blogging as such as long as people think I'm actually Lil' Kim.

On a personal note, I'm happy to be leaving this behind. You see, I'm a regular contributor to a sketch comedy blog, and I NEVER capitalize my proper noun "I"'s. Also, I rarely capitalize most other proper nouns or the beginnings of sentences. I hate it. Finally I can leave that behind.

ahhh, that's better.

anyway, i think there's still comic potential in commenting on other people's blogs as lil' kim, so those of you who came here from yr comments sections will see the queen bee where content demands it.

explaining the lil kim prison blog is perhaps the lamest thing i've ever done. how lame is explaining this? so lame that i'm going to Capitalize it. oh, well. it was fun while it lasted.

-baz

PS- fun fact- i've never listened to Lil' Kim. i like hip hop just fine, but never found a reason to listen to her. and my favorite band is the animal collective. if you like lil kim, maybe you should try them?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Solitary!

I guess you're wondering why I haven't blogged in so long. It's cause they threw me in solitary confinement! I forgot to take the word "shit" out of "suck my beep" at the talent show, and swearing is against the rules, so I had to spend a week in "the hole"! :P

It was pretty nice, actually. There was a tiny hole they slid my bread through, and I got to drink water out of a collapsable camping cup. The cell was a little bigger than the one I have, and it was really like a sensory deprivation chamber. Just Lil' Kim and her Lil' Thoughts. No distractions, no fans, no guards, no nothing! I'm thinking about shivving another inmate so they'll send me back! LOL!

I still got my mail while I was there, so thanks to Jimmy in East Saint Louis for the thoughts. No, I don't like baseball, and no I can't be your girlfriend. But we can still be regular friends! Maybe with benefits! Like sex benefits!

One weird thing- if you spend a week in solitary, you grow a beard. I have a beard! They made me shave it off, which was hard because we're not allowed to have razors, so I had to use a Norelco. Close as a blade my ass. Now I'm all stubbly, but the nurse said it will go away over time. I miss electrolysis.

I really like spell check. I tried to spell electrolysis "electorlosis" and the little red line popped up beneath it. It's cause the prison only has iMacs. I've never used a mac before, but I like it! There's this website called macrumors where they tell you about the stuff apple's coming out with soon. It's very exciting. I wonder what's coming out in 344 days? Besides Lil' Kim! From Prison!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Red Ribbon!

I got second place at the Talent Show! They made me take the swear words out of "Suck My Dick", so I changed the lyrics like this:

To all my flubber rubbin' gettin' money hoes
Used to sellin' clothes
And all my ghetto ladies in the projects
Coming through like bulldozers
No, we ain't sober
Bum ladies know better than to start crap
People love a hard lass
One that get up in a brother's butt quicker than an enema
Make a cat bleed then sprinkle it with vinegar
Kidnap the senator
Make him call his wife and say he never coming home
Kim got him in a zone kissing their kids
Even got some of these straight chicks flipping their lids
[laughs]
What? I'm loving this crap!
Queen Bee!
What lady you know can thug it like this?
Imagine if I was dude and hittin' cats from the back
With no strings attached
Yeah friend, picture that!
I treat y'all people like y'all treat us
No Doubt! Ay yo, yo
Come here so I can bust in ya mouth

(Ay yo, come on here lady)
I don't think I want to
(No, that's not fair)
Who you talking to?
(Why you actin' like a jerk?)
Cause you're acting like a jerk
And if I was dude
I'd tell y'all to suck my beep!

[Repeat 1]

No, no, no, no
All I wanna do is get my kitty fed (Brother!)
Count a million bucks in the back of an armor truck
While I get you G'd up off the T.O.N.Y.
The BX, the chron-chron
And the list goes on and on
(On and on and on)
Like Erykah Badu
Once he drink the Remi down
Ooh I got this flipper now
He asked me did I love him
I said what came to mind like doobies be doing
Yeah baby, I love you long time
Look I ain't tryin' to suck ya
I might not even truck ya
Just lay me on this bed and give me some bread
Got the camcorder layin' in the drawer where he can't see
Can't wait to show my girls he sucked the G off my GED
Been doin' this for years, no need to practice
Take lessons from the Queen and you'll know how to mack this
People know he gave me all his cake
I peeled the Benji's off and threw the singles back in his face

[Repeat 1 (2x)]

[Lil' Kim]
I'mma keep it real
For the dough I might kill
I'm try-na see my face on a hundred dollar bill
Met this dude name Jaleel at this Abdulla fight
He said he'd pay me ten grand just to belly dance
Cum all on his pants
I met him at the studio
He showed up with his homeboy named Julio
I said 'Whoa! Who's the other guy?'
Hope you know you paying extra for this creepy third eye
Something about him, I knew he was a phony
Put the burner in his mouth
'Fool, Give me my money!'
He was just a hockey player frontin' like he knew mad stars
In his homeboy's whips like he got mad cars
People ain't shit but they still can trick
All they can do for me is wipe my spit
I'm jumpin' up and up after I'm done
Thinkin' they gon' get some hugging but they gets none

I'm pretty sure that's why I got second not first. Or maybe it's because they wanted some new material. I don't know. You can please some of the people some of the time, and most of the people most of the time, but most of the time you can't please all the people the rest of the time :-P

I don't know when the next talent show is, but I'll let you know!!!!!!! I'm Lil Kim!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Depression!

Guess what? I'm depressed!:P My therapist said that I have a "Regressive Inferiority Complex, presenting as Manic Compulsive Disorder". Basically, that means I'm sad on the inside, which is why I work so hard. Sad? Me? What ev. I guess he doesn't read this blog, because I use smileys, like, ALL THE TIME. :)
:)
:)
:)
:( Deep down, though, he's right. :(

But I've got so much to be happy about. My new album is dope. My reality show starts soon, and I'm only going to be in prison for 353 more days! And the big talent show is coming up on Saturday! I"M SO EXCITED! THAT I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT! The competition is going to be FIERCE though. Maureen Spangler (2-6 yrs, possession with intent to distribute) does ventriloquism. Arlisa Scott (6 months, probation violation) does a tap dance routine, and Francine Middleswarth (10 years, tax evasion) has a stand up act she's been doing here for three years, so she's a crowd favorite. I think I'm the only perjurer in the show, and I'm the only rapper. But you know what's weird? I'm not that famous here! Seriously, only about half the people know me. I guess people in prison don't watch E!, otherwise more people would know who I am. I tried to get CDs for everyone, so they could know about me, but we're not allowed to have our own CDs.

I get sad every once in a while. I don't know. Just sad.

But then I remember something my mother said to me. "You're Lil Kim. You'll always be Lil' Kim. No one can take that away from you." I'll beat this. You know why? Because My eye is on the sparrow. And I know he watches me. And I'm Lil Kim.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Intramurals!

Sports! This is SO KEWL:P Exercise time had sign ups for intramural sports today! I'm so excited!!@!@!!!!#@!!
I signed up for soccer. I've never played soccer before! It looks a lot like basketball, but it's played with your feet, and you don't have to be too tall for it, which works for me! Because I'm Lil' Kim!

We have to pick a mascot. I wanted to use the "Queen Bees" because of me, but the other girls didn't think that would be fair. I guess I understand. So i suggested the "Regular Bees" and no one liked that either. So guess what we used? "The Unicorns". GAG! The only way I'd be okay with that is if we actually all had horns, but we don't. So boo!!!

Our first game is against the "Paisley Passion", and my friend Onna is on their team. She's really great. She's teaching me about poetry and vegetarianism. But once we're on the field, friendship goes out the window. I'M A COMPETITOR!

Coach Mussleman said if we want to be good soccer players we need to work out more. I like lifting, but she said we should be doing more cardio. I HATE cardio. So boring. I asked if there was a position like the one in hockey where you just fight, and she said no. That sux. Looks like I'll be hitting the elliptical machine. And I can't bring my iPod! Sometimes, prison just sux.

Well, I've got to go to work. We're making a green bean casserole for dinner tonight, which is like a warm green bean salad. I suggested having soul food night, but the head chef said no. And they took away my safety knife, so now I'm working the salting station, which means I just pour salt on everything. It's not hard, but I think I should be trying to better myself while I'm here, and I already know how to put salt on stuff. Maybe I'll ask to run the blender next week. That'd be neat.

Oh! One more thing. I got a letter from my lawyer saying we're trying to get me transfered to the prison camp that Martha Stewart went to. It'd be neat to go to camp and everything, but I really like it here. It'd be hard to say goodbye. Maybe they'll have better sports at prison camp. Who knows? I'll keep u posted.

GO UNICORNS!

Friday, September 30, 2005

Sorry!

I can't believe I didn't blog yesterday! I'm so sorry! I couldn't, though. I accidentally cut all my fingers with my safety knife at work. Whoops! I didn't even notice, because the knife was so dull. When i poured the celery into the soup, I saw that it was all bloody, and I was all like, "I know that's not my blood! LOL!" I actually said LOL! LOL! But yeah, it was my blood, so I went to the infirmary and got ten band aids, one for each finger.

I tried to blog, but it hurt my fingers when I tried to type. Today it feels better, though. I keep making friends on other blogs! You should make friends with them, too. Rycrisp has a blog called snv. It's really funny. He likes football :P. And there's a girl named Emily who comments on his blog. Her blog is called odd vitamins. That's a weird name. I don't think she likes me very much- she tried to pick a fight with me. Maybe she didn't know I was in prison?

Rob Version 1.0 is a robot, and he has a blog, too. I like it, but I don't understand how robots can have blogs? Maybe robots have computers for brains, and a computer can probably make a blog? CONFUSED! I think my new favorite blog is princess pony party amazing. It looks a lot like mine, only it's run by a couple of Rock N' Roll attorneys, and one of them is in the Archies. Sugar, Sugar is, like, my favortie song ever! Every time I had a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's, I asked the band to play Sugar, Sugar, and they never did, but I didn't care, because I just put my fingers in my ears and hummed Sugar, Sugar, so it looked like they were singing it.

I think I'll blog twice today, so you don't get mad at me for not blogging yesterday! Yeah! Blog!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Come on Down, Fucker!

Guess who's coming to prison with me? Tom DeLay! Ha ha! There's a couple of lines forming for when he gets here. One is the "Shiv Tom DeLay" line, and that one's co-ed. The other is just guys, and I'm not going to say what they're going to do to him! Tee Hee! Here's a hint: it rhymes with manal pape! ROTFLMFAO!!!

Also, my therapist said I should try to reach out to people in a positive way. I told him about my blog, and he said "That's the spirit!". I still think he's Jewish :P

Keep your eyes peeled for my reality show. It starts really soon! You know what they say: If you can't drop the charges, at least you can drop a reality show! And a dope album! But not the soap! (I finally get that joke! :)) LOL!

I started work. I'm a prep cook! It's awesome! I don't get a chef's hat, though. And I have to wear a hair net and rubber gloves! :( Still, I'm learning how to chop celery REALLY fast! Like that guy Yan Can Cook! But they only give me "safety knives". I guess that's so I don't stab anyone. But I'm not a stabber- I'm a purjurer! And I'm Lil' Kim!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Links!

My blog friend Wonko the Sad Clown said I should make links to other blogs I like. I think this is a good idea. But I don't know too many blogs yet. If you have a blog and want me to link to you, let me know! I'll totally do it. Although some of the links aren't that good. Like the one about top script consultants. I didn't get it. It was hard to read.

Anyway, who ever thought I would learn HTML? Check this out:

BOLD!
ITALICS!
UNDERLINE!
A LINK!
A PICTURE OF US SENATOR JEFF BINGAMAN!

Monday, September 26, 2005

One Week!

Wow! A whole week gone by! The time's flying, I'll have you know. I'm really focused on my music, I'm learning about Islam and origami, I get three square meals a day, and I'm learning the value of a dollar! In cigarettes! J/K :P

I started writing a song parody of the Barenaked Ladies song "One Week" to celebrate my one week prisonversary, but I didn't get past the opening chorus. Here's what I got so far:

It's been one week since I went to jail.
And the prison guards around me read me fan mail.
Five days since I started school.
Folding paper into birds is pretty damn cool.
Two days since I shivved Jo Lynne
Try to take my spot in line and see what happens
Yesterday, she'd forgiven me
But I'm Lil Kim and I don't say I'm sorry!

ROTFLMFAO!!!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Third Night!

Ok. The third night wasn't quite as good as the first. The girl next door faked a seizure and tried to escape, so the guards were all, like, going apeshit. Lots of yelling and screaming. I heard one of the girls crying late into the early morning.

Anyway :), I woke up at 6:30, and breakfast was pretty good. No eggs this morning, but pankcakes! No blueberry syrup, though. Hey, you can't win them all. Especially when you're in prison!

I have to pick a job soon. Can you believe they make you work in jail? What do you guys think I should do? I told them I was a rapper, because maybe they didn't know, but they said rapping isn't work in jail! I can work either in the laundry service, in the kitchen, or I can take reservations for JetBlue. I don't think I'll do the airline thing, because I hate poor people. Then again, I hate prison, too, and I'm doing that. Maybe I should just do things I hate, to make sure I really hate them. It's called immersion therapy. I have to see a therapist during therapy time, and that's what he said. I think he's Jewish. Weird. :P

I'm Lil' Kim, and I'm in prison! LOL!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I've Got a Show!

I thought I told you that we don't stop! Uh! :)
They cell block is having a talent show on Friday, October 7th! I'm going to do two songs- probably "How Many Licks" and "Suck My Dick". Come on out to support!

First Gift!

Marc Jacobs sent me a Rita Heyworth poster. One of the guards thought it was funny, but I didn't get it. Anyway, it's a nice poster, and mama always said it's the thought that counts, so thanks Marc! But where's the weed? LOL!! J/K!! :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Blogging is so much fun!

Yesterday, I went around and visited other people's blogs. That's fun shit! Here are some of the places I visited.

brown missles
wonko the sad clown
d to the nice
small potatoes
hadjii
erin's blog!
grand opening grand closing

and someone blogged about my blog! Yay!
elephant larry

I should get the rest of the junior MAFIA to blog. They'd be pretty good at it.

Thoughts on my first night!

YAWN! STRETCH!!! 40 winks never felt so good! I came into this expecting the worst, but the bed I slept on last night was REALLY comfy! It was only three feet wide, but since I'm so little, it was fine! I don't even miss my waterbed. And since it was night and I was alone, I got rid of most of those pesky clothes! ;)

There's a little window above my bed. You can see another building though it. I'm working on a song about it. I'm really looking forward to writing a lot while I'm here. Maybe when I get out, I'll record a triple album. No one's ever seen the likes of that!

Breakfast was great. Scrambled eggs and bacon and oatmeal! Mmm Mmm good!

I made some friends during exercise time. One's from Philly, her name is Kaia. She's helping me with my bench press!

Thanks for all your letters! It means a lot to me. I'm taking an origami class during education time, and once I know how, I'll fold the letters into little birds and set them free- just like me! In 365 days!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Cool!

One of the other inmates in the library showed my this thing called Wikipedia. It's awesome! And there's a whole entry on me!. At the very top it says "This article needs to be cleaned up to conform to a higher standard of quality." Damn right it does! One sentence goes "The albums first album "The Jump Off" was a hit and went on to peak at No. 17 on the Billboard Hot 100". Come on, now! I'm Lil' Kim!

Edit: Hey! Day 1 and I already posted twice! w00t!

First Post!

Hey peeps,

I'm going to keep a blog of my prison stay! I've never been in prison before, so it should be interesting- all kinds of new stuff will happen to me! Take today for instance- did you know that when you're processed into prison, they delouse you? That shit's nasty.

Lot's of stuff going on today. I get my own room, which is pretty cool. It's not that big, but then again neither am I! LOL! Also, I'm not used to wearing this much clothing. I'm hot. NO, NOT THAT KIND OF HOT! LOL! Actually, we all know I'm that kind of hot, too, but I mean I'm temperature hot.

I get to check my email once a day, so I'll try to blog every chance I get. I've never had a blog before, so don't hate if I can't keep up right away.

I'm going to set up my cell a little bit, and I'll check in with you later. Holla!

PS- My prison number is 24601. How cool is that? "Do you hear the people sing! Singing the song of angry men!"