Lil' Kim's Prison Blog!

This caged bird must blog! LOL!

Friday, September 30, 2005

Sorry!

I can't believe I didn't blog yesterday! I'm so sorry! I couldn't, though. I accidentally cut all my fingers with my safety knife at work. Whoops! I didn't even notice, because the knife was so dull. When i poured the celery into the soup, I saw that it was all bloody, and I was all like, "I know that's not my blood! LOL!" I actually said LOL! LOL! But yeah, it was my blood, so I went to the infirmary and got ten band aids, one for each finger.

I tried to blog, but it hurt my fingers when I tried to type. Today it feels better, though. I keep making friends on other blogs! You should make friends with them, too. Rycrisp has a blog called snv. It's really funny. He likes football :P. And there's a girl named Emily who comments on his blog. Her blog is called odd vitamins. That's a weird name. I don't think she likes me very much- she tried to pick a fight with me. Maybe she didn't know I was in prison?

Rob Version 1.0 is a robot, and he has a blog, too. I like it, but I don't understand how robots can have blogs? Maybe robots have computers for brains, and a computer can probably make a blog? CONFUSED! I think my new favorite blog is princess pony party amazing. It looks a lot like mine, only it's run by a couple of Rock N' Roll attorneys, and one of them is in the Archies. Sugar, Sugar is, like, my favortie song ever! Every time I had a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's, I asked the band to play Sugar, Sugar, and they never did, but I didn't care, because I just put my fingers in my ears and hummed Sugar, Sugar, so it looked like they were singing it.

I think I'll blog twice today, so you don't get mad at me for not blogging yesterday! Yeah! Blog!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Come on Down, Fucker!

Guess who's coming to prison with me? Tom DeLay! Ha ha! There's a couple of lines forming for when he gets here. One is the "Shiv Tom DeLay" line, and that one's co-ed. The other is just guys, and I'm not going to say what they're going to do to him! Tee Hee! Here's a hint: it rhymes with manal pape! ROTFLMFAO!!!

Also, my therapist said I should try to reach out to people in a positive way. I told him about my blog, and he said "That's the spirit!". I still think he's Jewish :P

Keep your eyes peeled for my reality show. It starts really soon! You know what they say: If you can't drop the charges, at least you can drop a reality show! And a dope album! But not the soap! (I finally get that joke! :)) LOL!

I started work. I'm a prep cook! It's awesome! I don't get a chef's hat, though. And I have to wear a hair net and rubber gloves! :( Still, I'm learning how to chop celery REALLY fast! Like that guy Yan Can Cook! But they only give me "safety knives". I guess that's so I don't stab anyone. But I'm not a stabber- I'm a purjurer! And I'm Lil' Kim!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Links!

My blog friend Wonko the Sad Clown said I should make links to other blogs I like. I think this is a good idea. But I don't know too many blogs yet. If you have a blog and want me to link to you, let me know! I'll totally do it. Although some of the links aren't that good. Like the one about top script consultants. I didn't get it. It was hard to read.

Anyway, who ever thought I would learn HTML? Check this out:

BOLD!
ITALICS!
UNDERLINE!
A LINK!
A PICTURE OF US SENATOR JEFF BINGAMAN!

Monday, September 26, 2005

One Week!

Wow! A whole week gone by! The time's flying, I'll have you know. I'm really focused on my music, I'm learning about Islam and origami, I get three square meals a day, and I'm learning the value of a dollar! In cigarettes! J/K :P

I started writing a song parody of the Barenaked Ladies song "One Week" to celebrate my one week prisonversary, but I didn't get past the opening chorus. Here's what I got so far:

It's been one week since I went to jail.
And the prison guards around me read me fan mail.
Five days since I started school.
Folding paper into birds is pretty damn cool.
Two days since I shivved Jo Lynne
Try to take my spot in line and see what happens
Yesterday, she'd forgiven me
But I'm Lil Kim and I don't say I'm sorry!

ROTFLMFAO!!!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Third Night!

Ok. The third night wasn't quite as good as the first. The girl next door faked a seizure and tried to escape, so the guards were all, like, going apeshit. Lots of yelling and screaming. I heard one of the girls crying late into the early morning.

Anyway :), I woke up at 6:30, and breakfast was pretty good. No eggs this morning, but pankcakes! No blueberry syrup, though. Hey, you can't win them all. Especially when you're in prison!

I have to pick a job soon. Can you believe they make you work in jail? What do you guys think I should do? I told them I was a rapper, because maybe they didn't know, but they said rapping isn't work in jail! I can work either in the laundry service, in the kitchen, or I can take reservations for JetBlue. I don't think I'll do the airline thing, because I hate poor people. Then again, I hate prison, too, and I'm doing that. Maybe I should just do things I hate, to make sure I really hate them. It's called immersion therapy. I have to see a therapist during therapy time, and that's what he said. I think he's Jewish. Weird. :P

I'm Lil' Kim, and I'm in prison! LOL!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I've Got a Show!

I thought I told you that we don't stop! Uh! :)
They cell block is having a talent show on Friday, October 7th! I'm going to do two songs- probably "How Many Licks" and "Suck My Dick". Come on out to support!

First Gift!

Marc Jacobs sent me a Rita Heyworth poster. One of the guards thought it was funny, but I didn't get it. Anyway, it's a nice poster, and mama always said it's the thought that counts, so thanks Marc! But where's the weed? LOL!! J/K!! :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Blogging is so much fun!

Yesterday, I went around and visited other people's blogs. That's fun shit! Here are some of the places I visited.

brown missles
wonko the sad clown
d to the nice
small potatoes
hadjii
erin's blog!
grand opening grand closing

and someone blogged about my blog! Yay!
elephant larry

I should get the rest of the junior MAFIA to blog. They'd be pretty good at it.

Thoughts on my first night!

YAWN! STRETCH!!! 40 winks never felt so good! I came into this expecting the worst, but the bed I slept on last night was REALLY comfy! It was only three feet wide, but since I'm so little, it was fine! I don't even miss my waterbed. And since it was night and I was alone, I got rid of most of those pesky clothes! ;)

There's a little window above my bed. You can see another building though it. I'm working on a song about it. I'm really looking forward to writing a lot while I'm here. Maybe when I get out, I'll record a triple album. No one's ever seen the likes of that!

Breakfast was great. Scrambled eggs and bacon and oatmeal! Mmm Mmm good!

I made some friends during exercise time. One's from Philly, her name is Kaia. She's helping me with my bench press!

Thanks for all your letters! It means a lot to me. I'm taking an origami class during education time, and once I know how, I'll fold the letters into little birds and set them free- just like me! In 365 days!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Cool!

One of the other inmates in the library showed my this thing called Wikipedia. It's awesome! And there's a whole entry on me!. At the very top it says "This article needs to be cleaned up to conform to a higher standard of quality." Damn right it does! One sentence goes "The albums first album "The Jump Off" was a hit and went on to peak at No. 17 on the Billboard Hot 100". Come on, now! I'm Lil' Kim!

Edit: Hey! Day 1 and I already posted twice! w00t!

First Post!

Hey peeps,

I'm going to keep a blog of my prison stay! I've never been in prison before, so it should be interesting- all kinds of new stuff will happen to me! Take today for instance- did you know that when you're processed into prison, they delouse you? That shit's nasty.

Lot's of stuff going on today. I get my own room, which is pretty cool. It's not that big, but then again neither am I! LOL! Also, I'm not used to wearing this much clothing. I'm hot. NO, NOT THAT KIND OF HOT! LOL! Actually, we all know I'm that kind of hot, too, but I mean I'm temperature hot.

I get to check my email once a day, so I'll try to blog every chance I get. I've never had a blog before, so don't hate if I can't keep up right away.

I'm going to set up my cell a little bit, and I'll check in with you later. Holla!

PS- My prison number is 24601. How cool is that? "Do you hear the people sing! Singing the song of angry men!"